The Road to Recovery

I can't believe its been 4 weeks since I injured my ribs.  I really thought it was more than that because it has felt like it occurred so long ago.  This last week has been the first time where I have been able to do some (and only some) activities but I have lost so much that it feels like I have taken 10 steps back, actually it feels like 50 steps back.  As I have been down this road a couple of times, I knew that the road to recovery is more of a mental game than a physical one.  Its easy to make excuses and to not even try.  Its easy to get discouraged and wonder why are you putting yourself through this.  Its easy to say I'm too old for this.


What I learnt from previous injuries is that my body does not heal the way it did when I was younger and that I do need to slowly build things back up again so I don't reinjure it.  My brain knows that it will take time, that it will come back faster than before, that this is only a minor set back.  Funny how your brain can say all these thing but you really don't believe them and its easier to not do anything about it.  So why do we go on?  Well, I didn't start this journey to stop it now.


There have been a number of things this week that have helped me get back on track. 
1) reading and memorizing Mastery - one part talks about how everyone is ordinary but its our actions that help us on the road to mastery. 
2) Tai Chi classes - these classes are great alone, but when you have an injury, they help you move and slowly work those areas, gradually building strength and flexibility.  I have also found myself relaxing and allowing myself to be "in the moment".
3) Morning workouts with Mr. Sollinger and Sifu Robinson - I HATE HAVING TO GET UP THAT EARLY but my best days are when we do our workouts together so after, I love that we do this.  Everyday I am able to do a bit more.
4) My Instructors - I can't thank you all enough for letting me work on a backwards shoulder roll and some shrimping and then when I hit my limit, you have only supported me. This allows me to progress at my own pace.
5) My successes - I had to stop looking back to before the injury occurred and measuring myself.  For now, I look back a week and measure from there. This way I can measure my improvements, even if they are small, and right now they are VERY small but they are still going in the right direction.


Now don't get me wrong, I am constantly needing to evaluate myself and ask "Is this just an excuse so I don't need to do something OR is it truly legitimate".  I can always find an excuse, but once I realize its an excuse, it is easier to get up and do something.


This is my road from an injury that has actually improved greatly in 4 weeks.  For those of you that have been struggling from more significant injuries, my heart goes out to you as I can imagine how hard and dark this road can be but please do not quit. Only when we quit are we truly beaten. 


See you on the mats!

The Struggle with Anxiety

As many of you have read on my sons blog, he has struggles with anxiety.  As he posts about his path, there are many people who have stated they have the same or similar struggles.  It feels to me that anxiety is more common than it was when I was young.  Why is that?  Is it because people are more apt to talk about it or is it because there are more environmental pressures that cause it? Why does it affect one person and not the other?

My husband and I spoke at great lengths regarding this.  I discussed this with colleagues and friends.  There was consensus that there is now the ability to talk more openly of things that were taboo previously.  Mental health issues, anxiety, addictions,  all of these are no longer things that are left in a closet with hopes that no one will ever discover.  These are not easy conversations to have but they can be voiced and support is available.

But we also talked about the pressures that are facing people today that were never there previously.  Social media - the most likes, the most followed, the ability to have negative comments delivered anonymously, friended, unfriended, cyber bullying, 24 hour messaging and availability, pictures that will never go away, lack of privacy, videos that never go away, instant gratification.  Then there are the pressures that have been around for generations - get a job, get good grades, be the best person on the team, know what you want to do with the rest of your life, contribute to your community, and be an active member of society.

I know I have struggled with trying to find a balance with my children, teaching them proper use and self confidence but knowing that if I completely banned something, they would never know how to cope with it as a part of everyday life.  We are able to openly talk about mental health, anxiety, addictions but as a society, there is no indication of the want, or need, to decrease these external pressures so we are left to build better coping mechanisms and support structures.   Where does that leave our friends and loved ones that will be impacted by all of this?  Struggling, until we can get these pressures decreased, until we can get the right support, until we are able to find a coping stategy.  If you are struggling, never stop talking and seeking help.  You are not alone.

On the Right Path

I had a number of things going through my head this week but nothing would come to fruition.  So I went back to my earlier blogs and reread them.  Isn't funny how the things that you were concerned about years ago are either still around or just the opposite, they are so irrelevant that you wondered why you worried about them at all.  I noticed that it was the items that were in my control that were okay now.  I continue to focus on personal growth.  I have started taking Tai Chi and it has really helped me mentally. As well as feeling the way my body moves, I am starting to feel flow more frequently.  I sparred very quickly with Sifu Csillag and there was no fear, initially a lot of thinking, but even after a few minutes it felt more natural.  I know I can push harder, I know I can do more, I know that I am making my mind stronger as well as my body.


I took a look at the items that were still sticking around and started to wonder why are they were still there.  Many of the things that are out of my control, continue to be a struggle but it's recognizing that these are out of my control and that I can only be responsible for what I can control.  I worry about my children but I can only support them, guide them, set good examples, and be there when they need me. 


I noticed that when I am having a good day/week/month with Kung Fu, it is also when I am excelling in other areas of my life.  It is really good to take the time to review where you have come from and where you are going.  I was able to remember how far I have really come and that I am on the right path.


See you on the mats.

Coming Together!

WOW! Tonight Master McDonald came and taught our class with his daughter.  To me it was a very humbling experience and when I talked with my kids after, their comments were how they found the class relaxed and how approachable they both were.  To watch a master and know that I am learning from someone who has probably lost more knowledge than I will ever gain but is so humble and approachable that the young kids had no issues asking many questions was amazing.
Tonight we were taught more on how to get and stay grounded. I really felt grounded tonight and I just love when those experiences happen.  That grounded feeling lasted most of the class and I noticed in Tai Chi On Saturday, I could feel the Chi flow.  It really is awesome when things start to come together.

See you on the mats!

Taking A Hit Part 2!

I wanted to start by saying thank you to everyone that's been supportive after my last blog.  It was a really hard blog to write as I was on an emotional rollercoaster, fluxing from self-doubt to being proud of myself every few minutes.

One of the things that really bothered me was knowing that I lost control during my sparring match. 
I reacted blindly - sure I recognized it and reset but it was the fact that I lost control in a controlled environment.  It made me wonder what would happen if it wasn't a controlled environment.
I lost control of my emotions - I wasn't upset that I lost, I was upset that I let emotions control me immediately after and the days following my sparring round.  I kept focusing on the negatives.
I had periods where I doubted my training, doubted my abilities, doubted my path.

So what did I do?  I talked to Sifu Freitag and Sifu Brinker.  I listened when others were giving me their experiences but the biggest thing that helped was knowing that it was okay to feel these things.  It did not make me weak, it did not mean I shouldn't have a brown belt, its just something that happened.  Now I can see that my emotional swings were the aftermath of an adrenaline dump.  The negative thoughts were part of the process, but if we leave these thoughts to fester inside, they become a disease which will continue to eat at all the positive things around them.  It was not easy to take that first into the office but it was the best step I could have made.

When Sifu Brinker and I spoke, he told me how his job as a center ring judge was to ensure the competitors are safe, especially mentally.  We talked about what had occurred and what could have been done differently.  It was then that I told him if I was to do it all over again, I would do the exact same thing.  I wouldn't have taken a knee, I wouldn't have backed down, I wouldn't have wanted him to halt the match, and I meant every word. I am actually glad that things turned out the way that they did.  Because now I have the tools to deal with those emotions if/when they should ever rise again.  Now I know that I can take a hit (it doesn't mean I have to like it) and I know that I went over my comfort zone and did just fine.  I am not afraid to get back in the ring because I know that I have Sifus and sparring partners that I trust to continue to push my comfort zones.

See you on the mats (with gear on!)