Taking A Hit Part 2!

I wanted to start by saying thank you to everyone that's been supportive after my last blog.  It was a really hard blog to write as I was on an emotional rollercoaster, fluxing from self-doubt to being proud of myself every few minutes.

One of the things that really bothered me was knowing that I lost control during my sparring match. 
I reacted blindly - sure I recognized it and reset but it was the fact that I lost control in a controlled environment.  It made me wonder what would happen if it wasn't a controlled environment.
I lost control of my emotions - I wasn't upset that I lost, I was upset that I let emotions control me immediately after and the days following my sparring round.  I kept focusing on the negatives.
I had periods where I doubted my training, doubted my abilities, doubted my path.

So what did I do?  I talked to Sifu Freitag and Sifu Brinker.  I listened when others were giving me their experiences but the biggest thing that helped was knowing that it was okay to feel these things.  It did not make me weak, it did not mean I shouldn't have a brown belt, its just something that happened.  Now I can see that my emotional swings were the aftermath of an adrenaline dump.  The negative thoughts were part of the process, but if we leave these thoughts to fester inside, they become a disease which will continue to eat at all the positive things around them.  It was not easy to take that first into the office but it was the best step I could have made.

When Sifu Brinker and I spoke, he told me how his job as a center ring judge was to ensure the competitors are safe, especially mentally.  We talked about what had occurred and what could have been done differently.  It was then that I told him if I was to do it all over again, I would do the exact same thing.  I wouldn't have taken a knee, I wouldn't have backed down, I wouldn't have wanted him to halt the match, and I meant every word. I am actually glad that things turned out the way that they did.  Because now I have the tools to deal with those emotions if/when they should ever rise again.  Now I know that I can take a hit (it doesn't mean I have to like it) and I know that I went over my comfort zone and did just fine.  I am not afraid to get back in the ring because I know that I have Sifus and sparring partners that I trust to continue to push my comfort zones.

See you on the mats (with gear on!)