Struggling

This is probably the hardest post to date that I write but it is also the most important one needing to be written.  I have been struggling these last few weeks and its been easier to withdraw than to talk about it.  I knew it was happening because I missed a couple of blogs and a couple of weeks of posting my numbers.  

Two things have contributed to this withdrawl. A couple of weeks ago, I strained my knee so even walking has been an issue.  The second was the delays for my treatment dates, things totally out of my control.  Okay, if I am honest there is also a third item that is the biggest, the blogging of my numbers.  The first two items have caused my engagement to be lacking which is a direct relation to my numbers.  As my numbers slipped, my engagement dropped resulting in a further drop in my numbers and continued drop in engagement.  I kept thinking I would put in a few reps, increase my numbers and then blog but no numbers were good enough.  I was not happy with the work that I was doing. It was a spiralling effect that would to continue to pull me down.  It impacted all aspects of my life.  I knew I needed to do something so I booked my 1-1 with Sifu Brinker.  Sifu Brinker reminded me that we need to be grateful for the things that we have done instead of only worrying about the things that we have not done.  Somehow I had let guilt slip back into Kung Fu which impacted my engagement.  

This is not the first time that I have struggled nor will it be the last.  Previous struggles have lasted longer with more impact, the difference this time is that I used Kung Fu as my temperature check.  When it was slipping so was everything else in my world.  By being aware I was able to recognize this and take action sooner.  I needed help so I booked my 1-1 and made sure I was attending classes.  So although these numbers are not good, here they are.  Accountability to myself and to the team.  

Week 6, 7, 8 and almost 9 Numbers

SU/PU - 2,700 /50,000
18Temple - 45/1000
Cane - 108/1000
Sparring 37/1000
KM - 74/1609
AOK - 185/1000 
Meditation - 8h 35 min/ 50 hours
Tai Ch/Yoga - 7h 22 min/50 hours
Learn a new language (Spanish) - WIP

Roadblocks or Detours and Week 5 numbers

Last week was spent in Calgary for more appointments and procedures.  I needed another bone marrow and I was dreading it as the last one put me out of commission for over a month.  This one was so much better, and I am almost back to normal.  Everything was going to plan until late Friday when I was advised that there is a delay in my transplant.  Not sure exactly what this means and should find out more this week.  Initially I was upset, when things change that are different than what you are expecting there are many feelings to process.  Anger, frustration, acceptance, and eventually you need to moving forward otherwise you are giving up.  After moving through anger and frustration, I  started to think and feel for my donor.  It was not that they did not want to donate, something has come up that at this time they can't.  This must be very hard on them as well, so I am sending out my thoughts to them, wishing that I could do more.  Please do not think that I am this upbeat positive person because these last few days were definitely not that.  I needed to process the information, I needed to acknowledge my feelings of anger and hurt and sadness and being scared.  I do not know what a delay means but I can't worry about that because it is not in my control.  Many would call this a roadblock but a roadblock means that you are stopped, stuck where you are.  I like to think of this as a detour, a change in the path that was initially determined.  Eventually I will get back to the same track but it will just take me a bit to get there.  

So how is this related to training?  Injuries can change things in a heart beat.  Family items can come up unexpectedly. Heath conditions can impact how you preform.  All of these items can create a roadblock or a detour.  It is up to each person to decide how they will approach it.  My last bone marrow was a huge detour to my training as I dealt with hip pain and modifications to my training but eventually it got better, I am still recovering from that detour but I am moving forward.  There are things that you can control and things that you can't.  I can only worry about the things that I can control, in my training, in my life.  I must be honest with myself about my feelings and about my progress.  I can honestly say that my progress this week was very slow, definitely not something to celebrate.  I knew the numbers would be low because of the appointments and procedures but they could be higher than what they are.  There were lost opportunities that I let slip by so I need to dust myself off and get back up and start again.  Isn't that what every day is about?  Starting fresh!  

Week 5 Numbers

SU/PU - 2,550 /50,000
18Temple - 25/1000
Cane - 55/1000
Sparring 37/1000
KM - 52/1609
AOK - 147/1000 
Meditation - 5h 30 min/ 50 hours
Tai Ch/Yoga - 3.5/50 hours
Learn a new language (Spanish) - Researching apps.  Looked at Mango Language.  Anyone have recommendations?

**I also recorded two acts of jerkiness during these days.  Boy did those bug me.  It really felt that all the acts of kindness were nullified by these two acts of jerkiness (I am sure there were many more not recorded).  It has made me aware how powerful acts of jerkiness are.