Struggling

I have been struggling!  Since recovering from my recent illness, I have been questioning everything around me including should I stay in Kung Fu.  I am finally well enough that I see all the holes and gaps in Kung Fu, at work, and at home and  I question if they will ever get better.  

And yet I can honestly admit I have not been doing anything consistently.  How can I expect anything to change when that is my truth?  Is Kung Fu a priority? I can’t tell you any of my priorities (except family) because it feels like I’m caught in a tornado with everything just swirling around.  

For the first time in many years, I am searching for my passion and it is not jumping out at me.  Shouldn’t that be an easy task? I want to align my priorities with my passions. I have started listening to Jose Silva’s method, books on meditation, courses on chakras, crystals, colours, energies and the more that I learn, the more that I realize I know nothing. I’ve finally been able to help teach, work, travel, kayak, camp, bike and although I enjoy these, I am constantly wondering why was my life saved?  

I deeply feel there is something I am yet to do but I just don’t know what it is. I worry that I will fall into a routine and become numb to signs around me but I am searching so hard that I think I am overlooking those signs as well. 

“The truth knocks on the door and you say, “go away, I’m looking for the truth,” and so it goes away.”

So in the meantime, I will continue going to my Kung Fu and exercise classes, continue with my 1-1s, and know that clarity will eventually come as to why I am still here.