Last night, while doing forms in class, I realized something was off—not all at once, but in small moments that I chose to ignore. I was trying to keep up with those around me, and when a movement didn’t feel right, I simply moved on and continued the form.
Today, during my 1-on-1 with Sifu Brinker, we went back and looked at those moments. The truth became clear very quickly: I wasn’t just feeling things incorrectly—I was missing moves in my form.
I’ve been so focused on relearning forms to prepare for grading that I lost my way in how I need to learn. I was trying to do too much in too many areas at once: relearning the sequence, adding application, lowering my stances, and feeling harmonies. That is not a black belt approach. I know that, yet here I am again—panicking and trying to cram things into a brain and body that simply can’t handle it.
My goal was to get through a form without having to think about every move. Along the way, I started glossing over the holes. I told myself I had filled them, but in reality, I had just skipped over them and did something. That is not doing Kung Fu.
I lost my way the moment I put a grading deadline in place. Sound familiar to anyone? What am I trying to prove—to myself, to my peers, to the grading board? I want to be a martial artist who is a good representation of myself, my teachers, and my school. Some days I am happy where I am at; other days I feel like I still have a long way to go.
So what should I do now? It’s back to the basics. I need to focus on the sequence and make sure I have all the correct moves. I will still feel my harmonies, but they will not be my focus. I will be aware of my stances, but they will not be my focus. My focus will be the sequence—and only then can I move forward to the next step.
I’m not entirely sure how I’m feeling right now. A bit overwhelmed. A bit disappointed in myself for wandering off the path without realizing it. But mostly, I’m excited to be back on a track that will move me forward again.
The path didn’t disappear—I just stopped looking at my feet.
