Finding Balance in Training and Life

 I can’t believe it is already the end of January. The month has moved quickly, and it feels as though every area of my life has been moving at the same pace.

I’ll start with Kung Fu. This year, I graded for my second degree black belt. I felt the grading was a solid representation of where I am today. While I was not successful, I was told that I am on the correct path—just not there yet. I am grateful for the opportunity to grade and for the insight that came with it. I continue to deepen my knowledge of Tai Chi and have begun working on the Buddha, an experience made even more meaningful by the opportunity to fill in while Sidai Csillag is away in Japan. This time of year is always busy, as preparations for the banquet are well underway for everyone in the I Ho Chuan.

Work has been equally demanding. The last time it felt this intense was during the installation of our new application at the beginning of Connect Care, years before my treatment. This month alone, we have already completed four rollouts and upgrades, with another scheduled for next week and the final, highest-impact go-live planned for February 10th. That week will easily be a 50-hour workweek. None of this was intentionally scheduled to overlap; rather, delays and shifting timelines came together to create the perfect storm.

At home, much of our energy has been focused on planning a major trip. We will be taking six weeks off work to visit Scotland—planned before my treatment—then Budapest, where Mike’s dad is from, and finally Germany, where I will meet my donor, Martina, and her family for the first time. As we have never travelled overseas before, there has been a great deal to learn and research, adding another layer to an already full season.

With all of this happening at once, I have come to recognize just how exhausted I am and how close to the edge I feel at times. I notice it in the small things—forgetting words, missing parts of a form, or becoming sensitive to situations that would not have affected me before. This has made it clear that now is the time to step back and reset, to ensure that the choices I make are truly what is best for me. I have decided not to take another German class until next fall, and Mike and I are exploring whether reducing my work hours is possible. I am also taking a closer look at what can be handed off and what truly requires my attention.

I have also made the decision not to join the I Ho Chuan next year, choosing instead to spend a year simply enjoying Kung Fu. I want to create space for visiting a Buddhist temple, meditation, camping, kayaking, skiing, travelling, and the many other experiences that bring me joy. I have begun journaling on Facebook as a way to share knowledge and experiences that may help others along their own paths. Most of all, I want to fully enjoy the life I have been given, and I am looking forward to seeing how the Year of the Horse unfolds.

NUMBERS

Pushups (modified): 11760

Situps (modified):  8520

Sparring: 94

KMs: 1704

AOKs: 1510

Blogs: 44

Mastery byu Stuart Emery:  Incomplete

Relationship Mend Status:  Complete

Da Mu Hsing: 327

Weapon Form: 200

Germain: 5580

Meditation: 1845

Tai Chi: 1755

Decluttering: 770

Yoga, Stretching, Exercise:  1860

When the Form Exposes the Truth!

Last night, while doing forms in class, I realized something was off—not all at once, but in small moments that I chose to ignore. I was trying to keep up with those around me, and when a movement didn’t feel right, I simply moved on and continued the form.

Today, during my 1-on-1 with Sifu Brinker, we went back and looked at those moments. The truth became clear very quickly: I wasn’t just feeling things incorrectly—I was missing moves in my form.

I’ve been so focused on relearning forms to prepare for grading that I lost my way in how I need to learn. I was trying to do too much in too many areas at once: relearning the sequence, adding application, lowering my stances, and feeling harmonies. That is not a black belt approach. I know that, yet here I am again—panicking and trying to cram things into a brain and body that simply can’t handle it.

My goal was to get through a form without having to think about every move. Along the way, I started glossing over the holes. I told myself I had filled them, but in reality, I had just skipped over them and did something. That is not doing Kung Fu.

I lost my way the moment I put a grading deadline in place. Sound familiar to anyone? What am I trying to prove—to myself, to my peers, to the grading board? I want to be a martial artist who is a good representation of myself, my teachers, and my school. Some days I am happy where I am at; other days I feel like I still have a long way to go.

So what should I do now? It’s back to the basics. I need to focus on the sequence and make sure I have all the correct moves. I will still feel my harmonies, but they will not be my focus. I will be aware of my stances, but they will not be my focus. My focus will be the sequence—and only then can I move forward to the next step.

I’m not entirely sure how I’m feeling right now. A bit overwhelmed. A bit disappointed in myself for wandering off the path without realizing it. But mostly, I’m excited to be back on a track that will move me forward again.

The path didn’t disappear—I just stopped looking at my feet.

I Need Structure

I miss structure.

Tonight’s exercise class was a great reminder of how much I value having scheduled workouts. The last three weeks were wonderful with our trip to Mexico, but they also showed me how important routine is for me.

While we were away, I managed to practice Tai Chi on the rooftop at sunrise, which was an incredible experience. I even fit in a bit of Kung Fu, though it wasn’t the same as training within a structured schedule. There were definitely areas where I thrived—especially all the walking we did each day—but overall, I could feel the difference.

I know that structure is where I excel. That’s why I book my classes in advance and make them a priority. Looking ahead to our five-week vacation in May, I’m already thinking about how to build some structure into our trip. My goal is to maintain the momentum I’ve gained, even while embracing a relaxed pace. One thing is certain: there will be plenty of kilometers logged on foot.

NUMBERS

Pushups (modified): 11010

Situps (modified):  8020

Sparring: 83

KMs: 1630

AOKs: 1405

Blogs: 40

Mastery byu Stuart Emery:  Incomplete

Relationship Mend Status:  Complete

Da Mu Hsing: 275

Weapon Form: 167

Germain: 5510

Meditation: 1815

Tai Chi: 1505

Decluttering: 740

Shoulder Rolls and Vertigo!

Tonight I am sitting with myself feeling a bit discouraged and a whole lot nauseous. One of the things I’ve been trying to do is work on areas where I know I’ve been lacking. Since returning from my transplant, I’ve been slowly testing what my body can do again.

Tonight I decided it was time to practice my shoulder rolls—something I haven’t done in four years. I knew it would take time to regain any real proficiency, but what I wasn’t prepared for was the realization of my current limitations.

I dragged a mat into the kwoon and gave it a try. My first shoulder roll from my knees was a little rough, but honestly not too bad. The next one felt better in terms of technique, but my stomach started to feel off. After a couple more attempts, my vertigo kicked in and I realized I was about to throw up.

I was really hoping to prove that, with a little practice, I could return to activities I was doing before my transplant. What I’m coming to understand is that while I continue to improve, there are still physical limitations that restrict certain movements.

Does this mean I’ll stop trying to do shoulder rolls? Absolutely not. But it does mean I need to approach them more intelligently. I don’t need to prove that I can do a shoulder roll—I need my body to be able to respond if I ever need one.

Tomorrow, I’m hoping to do just one and leave it at that, then reevaluate. A slower pace may be more sustainable. I still want to push my limits, because that’s the only way to improve, but these reality checks aren’t a bad thing. They remind me that as I move forward, I’ll always have some limitations—whether from age, transplant treatments, or injury. Still, I can continue to move forward as long as I do it in a smart way.

Busy week

This week has been very busy. I helped package lunches for the inner-city homeless, coordinated the menu for our fourth annual baking day, and work has been hectic with three upgrades occurring simultaneously. Despite all of this, I was still able to get some tai chi and kung fu training in—though not as much as I would have liked.

Weeks like this make me reflect on where my priorities truly lie and serve as a reminder that I need to be more mindful when juggling competing demands. The past few weeks have shown me that I can’t do everything by myself and that asking for assistance is sometimes necessary to move forward.

I was surprised to realize that I couldn’t manage all the baking planning, grocery shopping, and group coordination on my own. I had handled these responsibilities in previous years and genuinely believed I could do it again. However, when combined with organizing the Kinsmen Christmas hamper, attending German classes on Mondays, meditation classes on Wednesdays, exercise classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, and maintaining a heavy workload at work, it became too much.

Fortunately, I have a strong support network. Once I acknowledged that I needed help, all I had to do was ask. One friend took care of all the grocery shopping after we finalized the menu, while another ensured everything was in place for baking day. The instructors have been promoting the Kinsmen Christmas hamper sign-ups for the children, and the kids have helped by making some of the weeknight suppers.

All of this support transformed what felt unmanageable into something manageable again. This week was a good reminder that you don’t have to do everything yourself to stay aligned with your priorities—and that accepting help can be just as important as discipline and effort.

Fallen Tree

We are visiting my parents in La Paz, Mexico.

The last time we were here, I experimented with something simple — listening. I placed my hands on a palm tree in the back yard and tried to feel its energy. I felt something, though I couldn’t explain what it was. Without thinking, I turned to my mom and said, “This tree is really thirsty and needs water.”

I don’t know why I said that. I just remember feeling it.

When we returned this week, my parents showed us the damage from a fallen tree. It was that same palm tree. It had completely fallen over.

Maybe I really did feel something ten months ago.

Since then, I’ve tried to feel the trees again, but nothing comes. And that feels like an important lesson in itself. In Kung Fu, we train sensitivity, but we also train patience. When we try too hard to feel, we block ourselves. True listening happens when we stop reaching and simply are.

I’ll keep practicing — not searching, just listening.

Excited to see where this goes.

Self-Mastery

This weekend, I had the pleasure of attending a Mindvalley spiritual summit—two full days of meditation, awakenings, Qi Gong, energy work, and so much more. One of the speakers who impacted me most was Shi Heng Yi, a Green Dragon Shaolin monk whose presence was powerful.

He spoke about simple yet profound truths: everything you need is already within you, and the path to any goal is paved with determination, commitment, and patience. He explained how martial artists choose a target and reach it through these three qualities—not by rushing, but by steady, disciplined practice.

Shi Heng Yi also reflected on how our modern society glorifies constant striving. We push to become better, faster, more productive—often forgetting the value of stillness and the art of simply being. He reminded us that in spiritual and energetic work, we can only give what we have. Peace must exist within us before we can offer peace to others. We must learn to manage ourselves before we attempt to manage anything—or anyone—else.

Another point that resonated deeply was his perspective on seeking spirituality outside ourselves. When we chase teachers, masters, or endless sources of new knowledge, what we seek seems to slip further away. True understanding doesn’t come from accumulation—it comes from inward exploration. It is the mastery of the self that unlocks deeper awareness.

These were the insights I carried away from his lecture: a renewed understanding that the journey is inward, and that self-mastery is the foundation for everything. His words grounded the unsettled feelings I’ve carried—those moments of wondering “Why am I still here?” or “What is my path?”. Instead of searching for answers outside myself, I feel gratitude for being exactly where I am, and a deeper appreciation for the path I’m already walking.

NUMBERS

Pushups (modified): 10405

Situps (modified):  7420

Sparring: 81

KMs: 1403

AOKs: 1310

Blogs: 36

Mastery byu Stuart Emery:  Incomplete

Relationship Mend Status:  Complete

Da Mu Hsing: 250

Weapon Form: 150

Germain: 5210

Meditation: 1645

Tai Chi: 1305

Decluttering: 710

Yoga, Stretching, Exercise: 1530