Weight struggles!

 This blog is about my weight struggles throughout these last 3 years.  Before I started my treatment program I was 145lbs, the lowest I’d been in years and that was due to my blackbelt grading year and the years leading to that.  At that time, I was in the best shape of my life although I knew I could still improve.  That was my mindset.

I really don’t know what my lowest weight was but there was a time that I was given nutrition by IV as I was failing to thrive.  I hadn’t eaten anything in many days and I couldn’t keep anything down.  That was probably my lowest and it wouldn’t surprise me if I hit 130 or even lower as I had also lost all muscle mass. 

The first year, all they want you to do is take in lots of protein and calories.  Added to that was a super strong anti rejection medication and 9 months later I was at the highest weight I had ever been at, including my pregnancies, 199 lbs.  That is over 70 pounds in 9 months.  My medical team would always say “we worry about weight after year 1, keep doing what you are doing” so I wasn’t really worried until I got off my immunosuppressants and the weight didn’t just drop off. That is so mean!  Mentally I struggled with my weight gain, decreased self image, hating to buy clothes, wanting to go on a quick fix diet but knowing it was wrong.  I had to ignore the scale and really focus on doing my exercises and to keep being as active as I could. Every couple of weeks I would check with the scale to make sure I was on the right path.

Yesterday I weighed 171 and I know 8 weeks ago I broke the 180s because I was so excited about that.  I am coming up to year 3 and still I am fighting with each pound.  I was going to wait until I broke the 170s to blog but I want to rejoice in the small win because I am almost there and I know that this blog will help me be mindful of the food that I eat and motivated to continue the exercises that I do.  This is still not a healthy weight but it is in the right direction with the right momentum and so I will take that win!

Today was the first day in 10 days that I finally feel better.  Numbers really suffered but got a few in.

NUMBERS

Situps (modified):  3180

Pushups (modified): 3430

KMs: 326.44

AOKs: 171

Da Mu Hsing: 59

Weapon Form: 38

Sparring: 43

Germain: 1227

Meditation: 285

Tai Chi: 363

Decluttering: 200

Yoga, Stretching, Exercise: 211

Days of Zen: 64

Finally Sick

 Well this baby immunity is finally being tested.  It came on strong Wednesday evening and I was in bed all day Thursday and Friday and most of Saturday.  Sore throat, fever, aches, and not able to keep anything down.  I thought I was feeling a bit better yesterday afternoon as I finally had a bit of food that stayed and my fever had broke but by supper my fever had again taken control.  At least the meds are now helping and I have the energy to blog but my balance is really off so I will do my beta forms later.  At least it’s not demo day 🤣.

My numbers are very poor this week but here they are:

NUMBERS

Situps (modified):  2955

Pushups (modified): 3155

KMs: 305.46

AOKs: 151

Da Mu Hsing: 57

Weapon Form: 31

Sparring: 41

Germain: 1096

Meditation: 285

Tai Chi: 343

Decluttering: 200

Yoga, Stretching, Exercise: 211

Days of Zen: 57

AOKs

This weekend a friend helped me.  It was something that she normally gets paid for but she would not accept anything from me.  I understand why she did that but it is hard sometimes to accept acts of kindness when their kindness meant so much.  I fought for a while to figure out how to show her and then it came to me. I planned some quick healthy meals for the week and bought the groceries.  I sent her the recipes and the groceries.  She sent me a video saying she would always work for veggies 🤣.  This way I accepted her act of kindness and yet was able to show her how much it meant.  

We talked about how lucky we were to meet each other and become friends.  Just like how I feel lucky to be studying a traditional Chinese martial art in Stony Plain with all of you. I like when choices bring you down paths that feel so right. 

NUMBERS

Situps (modified):  2830

Pushups (modified): 2980

KMs: 288.66

AOKs: 141

Da Mu Hsing: 55

Weapon Form: 28

Sparring: 47

Germain: 956

Meditation: 285

Tai Chi: 343

Decluttering: 200

Yoga, Stretching, Exercise: 211

Days of Zen: 50

Community Project:  still in the thought phase.

Too much, too fast!

I am at the dangerous point in my training where I want to progress to where I was and I am forgetting where I came from.  This has been very hard on me as my recovery is also being compounded by aging. I have been on track with my numbers but I have also come to the realization that this is not sustainable for me at this time.  

I ended the year of the dragon strong.  I found a rhythm and things that were working for me and so my ego decided I could jump back in with both feet and approach my IHC year as a totally fit younger person.   My ego likes to forget my journey and only look forward with an invincibility that my body cannot keep up with. 

Numbers have been my primary focus this year and in my mind I wanted to surpass all numbers, to be a great leader to the team, to feed my ego and let it run wild but somewhere I lost my way.  I still do my exercise program twice a week but lately I have been running to record my numbers (how many push up equivalents would that be?) instead of the quick stretching we do and get ready for the next exercise.  I am counting my reps and not focusing on firing the correct muscles.  I know better but somehow I slipped into a destructive mind thought.

Now here is the kicker, how do I progress at my own speed and not let mediocrity slip in.  How do I portray my numbers to the team and not show mediocrity?  How do I keep track of numbers but not let that control me? It is easy to say "I can't do this because...."  instead of "I can't do this yet..." and I think that is what makes the difference.  I also need to realize that my "yet" may never be the way it use to be and I need to be okay with that.  I need to keep poking things with a stick to make sure mediocrity doesn't become my norm BUT I need to be honest to myself with the results of the poke.  Record them and move on, continue to set my baseline and review to see how it is changing. 

The strength that I need to work on this year is internal as well as external.  I need to build a strong emotional foundation that will allow me to continue to build my physical body in a sustainable way.  To be aware of mediocrity and intervene.  I am so happy to catch this before it totally derailed my training and I wouldn't have caught it as quick without my 1-1s.  

BOOK YOUR 1-1s!  

Eye for Detail

Sometimes when I am doing forms I lose track of what my body is doing?  My go to was to videotape myself and then dissect the video.  What do my stances look like, how are my transitions?  When Sifu Brinker and I chatted about this, he reminded me we are doing 2000 year old forms.  Our past masters did not have videos so what did they do?  They had to listen more to their body for that reflection.  I’ve been focusing on harmonies, relearning, and building muscle but now I want to add more self awareness of how my body feels and then evaluate.  Is the feeling correct, should I be lower, am I raising my Center, where is the power coming from, am I grounded?  Once I get to the point it feels right, then I can video to validate or correct.

I made good progress on my numbers this week and kept up on reading blogs so I am pretty happy about that.  Still behind but I have a path to catch up. First is four weeks of hitting my numbers (to gain that consistency again after vacation) and then I will add 10% and reevaluate on my weekly blogs.  

NUMBERS

Situps (modified):  2130 

Pushups (modified): 2130

KMs: 230.32

AOKs: 109

Da Mu Hsing: 45

Weapon Form: 20

Sparring: 33

Germain: 775

Meditation: 150

Tai Chi: 273

Decluttering: 70

Yoga, Stretching, Exercise: 158

Days of Zen: 36

Community Project:  still in the thought phase. ↓↓↓  - no change

Start off strong and then vacation, yikes!!!!

The two weeks of vacation was absolutely lovely.  There were parts of it that I wish I could do over and over again but there was also the downfall of not getting in my numbers for Situps and Pushups or forms.  I was planning on doing lots of hand forms as I could not bring nunchucks on the plane but that did not happen.  I walked a lot but that does not shadow the other areas that I did not do so good at.  I started the year off so strong and two months in I am already struggling.

Now the good part is that I know that I am struggling and I know what I need to do to get back on track.  Today I started that process again, a fresh start.   I will be booking my 1-1s as well and back on the mats tomorrow.  These are the things that will help sustain the fresh start.  I knew I would slip off the wagon but I did not think it would be this quick.  Maybe that is okay as it also didn't take me long to get back on. That is the true lesson I believe, to be able to identify the problem and then do something.  At least I am also caught up reading everyone's blog, I will take the wins as well.  I added arrows to where I am standing to where I should be.

NUMBERS

Situps (modified):  1500 ↓↓↓

Pushups (modified): 1500 ↓↓↓

KMs: 203.14 ↑

AOKs: 89 ↓

Da Mu Hsing: 28 ↓↓↓

Weapon Form: 12 ↓↓↓ - no change

Sparring: 9 ↓↓↓ - no change

Germain: 618 ↑↑↑

Meditation: 120 ↓↓

Tai Chi: 210 ↓

Decluttering: ↓↓↓  - no change

Yoga, Stretching, Exercise: 80 ↓↓

Days of Zen: 30 On track

Community Project:  still in the thought phase. ↓↓↓  - no change

Tai Chi in water?

 Have you ever changed something so drastically that it threw you totally off?  I was doing Tai Chi in the pool today and that is exactly what happened.  I was up to my shoulders in the water and because I had limited weight on my feet, normal moves that I don’t think about on land became areas I had to stop and concentrate on for every foot pivot. At first I was frustrated and thought this was a dumb thing to try but then it made me think about moves in a different way.  I had to slow down with each move or I would throw myself off balance. I could also feel when both arms were not moving together or when I was moving too fast. Transferring my weight and keeping my core engaged was vital. It was a great practice for mindfulness.

Doing knee rotations during warm up is another area that I focus on mindfulness but I focus on my feet also.  If you watch, I go really slow because I am constantly asking where is my weight? Why? Can I spread my weight out over my foot?  Throughout all toes? Why is a toe lifted or scrunched down? As the knee rotates, the weight slowly shifts and the questions start all over again. 

Tai Chi has been my go to for mindfulness and grounding.  I can’t wait to see what a few more reps in the pool will bring. Shaking things up here and there might not be bad especially when you get to a point where you don’t think and stop being mindful.