Turbulent Emotions

These last two weeks have taken a toll on me.  My feelings are like a turbulent ocean in a hurricane.  Tears well up for no reason or from a story that I hear on the news.  Everything is raw and exposed.  Mortality raises up and I realize I have not made peace with it.  Worry overwhelms so I end up wanting to be numb so there is no pain.  

There is nothing drastic happening in my life, just a cumulation of events.  Almost 3 full days of work, worrying where I fit in and what value can I bring.  At home, sickness runs through the family and I’m the last one standing.  I should be happy that I’ve dodged it so far but I just worry when will it be me. I can’t imagine having to feel like this every day.  I know I’m not alone but I am happy knowing I have my psychologist appointment coming up.  

Through this time I’ve seen progression and that help lift my spirits.  For the first time in a long time, I was able to get off the floor from a low squat.  The last two days I’ve been able to walk down the stairs normally a couple of times a day.  I filled out a form for my two year post transplant and realized how far I’ve come in a year.  At work, my brains been working better than I expected.  Just little things but I will take the little things and continue to grow.