Am I in the best shape?

 During our last IHC meeting we were asked “am I in the best shape of my life”.  As you can imagine, I am not even close to where I was 1.5 years ago, heck I’m not even close to when I started Kung Fu.  This could be discouraging, I could make excuses, but this has been the ultimate learning experience.

As I write this, my face is red as I just completed my exercise class. My team finished our challenge yesterday and although I had to do modified, I still was able to do over 200 each SU and PU to contribute.  I can honestly say that I’m in better shape today than I was even two days ago and miles above where I was a year ago.  

It’s been a long road of hard work and a longer road ahead but as I continue to focus on being mindful and working to get better, I will continue to improve and that will lead me to be in the best shape of my life.

Stategies

These last few weeks I have been taking courses through WellSpring.  This is a non profit organization for patients, caregivers and families dealing with cancer.  They have a wide variety of courses from educational to entertainment. The current courses that I have weekly is a Gentle Yoga, Brain Fog, and QiGong.  Every one of these courses come with strategies that we are to try for a dedicated time to see if they work for the individual.  Here are some key points that really resonated with me.

1. Trust the process, do not focus on the goal - this is continually reiterated in Gentle Yoga.  Do small consistent actions and feel your body in the poses, do not focus on trying to get that perfect looking pose because that is when you will get hurt.  You work up to it gently and gradually.  Doesn't this sound familiar?  We are always told to trust the process in our Kung Fu and as I continue to rebuild my foundation I can look honestly at my self and know that my progress is proportional to the effort that I am putting in.  Some things I am continuing to improve while others are stagnating. 

2. Practice the strategy - During our Brain Fog course, we have been given 2 strategies this week to help with remembering items.  We have been asked to really practice these strategies (compartmentalization and story telling) and not bend them to something that we like.   These are not easy strategies for me and it takes a lot of work to focus and use them but the more that I practice, the easier it is becoming.  Does this sound familiar?  How many of us have "bent" the I Ho Chuan requirements to make them fit something that was "easier" to do?  I can honestly say that I have done that on more than one occasion but I also have done IHC enough to know that it is only when you practice the requirement in its true form that you benefit from it.

3. Relax, feel, and enjoy - during QiGong we are reminded that we may not feel the energy flowing  during our practice but with consistent practice it will get easier and easier until it is second nature.  I have not felt any great increase in energy but by doing this and Tai Chi weekly, I am feeling it at least consistently.  I have been able to improve my relaxation to the point that I keep catching myself nodding off during my meditations (lets call it going into a trance, sounds more positive LOL)

4. Move with your breath - both Yoga and QiGong are focused on moving with your breath NOT breathing with your movement.  We have many Kung Fu forms that also are based on moving with your breath.  I knew that I was not doing it effectively before but now I realize how ineffective I was.  You need to know your movements so you are able to focus on the breath and not having to think about what is next.  I have been practicing on small chunks of my forms (only 2-3 moves) so I can really focus on the breath instead of the movement.  This is a really hard concept but as with everything it will take practice.

5. Last but not least, go outside your comfort zone - I signed up for an online music program that I thought Mike would really enjoy.  It turned out that I also had a blast.  It was just something different that was out of my comfort zone and was surprised that I learnt new things about myself.  

This is my Segway into the Tiger Challenge - Go outside your comfort zone, trust the process, breathe deep and ENJOY! You will learn lots about yourself as well.  Wishing I was there but cheering you all on from the sidelines! 

Being Thankful

The last two weeks have been busy.  I had my 1 year transplant birthday and a few days later had some friends over who I have not seen for over a year. 

My family was supposed to come over but my brother and his family was/is evacuated from Drayton Valley so they have been very busy (and stressed), my sister-in-law and other brother were sick so we needed to take a rain check. 

Yesterday we got notice that a friend passed away.  We haven’t been in contact much over the years but we were really good friends 20 years ago and having him in our lives impacted our life path a number of times.  It is a mixture of sadness that he is gone and happiness that he was in our lives and left lots of good memories.

Today I spent the day with my mom and sister.  It was a beautiful visit and a great time with my family. Mike and the kids made me a beautiful flower bed (Mike made it and the kids helped with flowers) and even though the boys were not home, I was able to have nice visits with them. 

These last few weeks have really emphasized mortality and how lucky that I am to just be here.  How friends and family change as we grow older but still leave impacts on us. I think my visit today was so good because we just enjoyed each other’s company, we were embracing the moment. I am thankful for the friends and family I have in my life.

It’s just Kung Fu!

This last week has been a variety of appointments with different teams.  I met with an Occupational Therapist for a “brain fog” assessment and tools to use to help with this.  This condition has been weighing heavily on me as we start the conversations about returning to work.

I have noticed my ability to remember things is impacted the more that I try to do things.  The more stressed I am, the worse it gets.  Luckily there have been so many adaptations available that I decreased the stress.  I do not remember many of my forms so I have been focusing on two and getting my body and my brain back to some type of normal before expanding.  On our 1-1, Sifu Rybak told me to continue working on my forms during my class and not worry about learning any new forms.  This was a huge relief and confirmed that I was on the right track.

My “brain fog” assessment went well.  I was a little below normal but high functioning. She asked what I was doing to help cope.  I told her about Tai Chi, ACE exercises, KF classes, meditation, starting gentle yoga for cancer patients, do memory and word games, starting a cancer QiGong class and a Brain Fog class.  I make lots of lists and lots of alarms to ensure I don’t miss things (and I still miss things).  She told me how I was doing absolutely everything that she would have recommended and was quite surprised.  I was happy but at the same time frustrated.

I was hoping for a magic bullet but it was just another instance of slow and steady progress is the correct pathway to improvement.  It really is just Kung Fu, my path is a bit different than yours but the foundation is the same.

Turning the OFF to ON!

We often talk about recognizing our strengths and weaknesses.  One of my strengths is when I am on, I am ON.  I am positive, energetic, wanting to do more.  Unstoppable!  The person that I want others to see, the person I like to see.

On the flip side is my weakness - when I am off, I am OFF.  I hide behind the glass rock.  I do not blog, I miss classes, I am not motivated.  The more this occurs, the deeper I get lost.  There are many things that can turn your switch OFF.  The difficulty I am having is that not only am I recovering physically, I am recovering mentally as well.  Individually these are a challenge but when both are off, I am lost!  The last few weeks I have been struggling with physical setbacks.   Now add this with "brain fog" which can occur from chemo or radiation (I had lots of both) and a meeting about returning to work in the fall and my mental capacity was also overloaded.  This resulted in sadness, depression, sleeping 4 hours in a day, and no motivation.  I was not engaged in classes (there is a difference between attending and engagement) or I missed classes entirely.

The one action that I am trying to build as a strength is when to ask for help and from whom.  My trigger point is my sadness and lack of engagement.  The lack of engagement in my Kung Fu quickly becomes a lack of engagement in other daily activities increasing my sadness.  It really is a downward spiral that gains momentum the longer it is left unchecked.  I reached out to a variety of people.  My medical team put me back on prednisone for the physical issues, my parents came to help around the house, I'm working with an occupational therapist on the brain fog, referred to a psychologist for the sadness and depression, joined some cancer support groups and am taking advantage of the classes they offer.  I continue to do my exercise classes, booked a 1-1 with Sifu Rybak and worked on my hand and weapon forms.  All of this helped move the OFF to an ON.

The biggest step is recognizing when I am OFF and then knowing what it takes to move that switch to ON.  Also to know that the actions I take today may not be the actions I need the next time.  Hopefully this will help to make those OFF times shorter.  I am the strongest advocate for my physical and mental health and I know that I can not do this alone.

See you on the virtual mats!

Walking the Fine Line

My recovery has come a long way and now I am in the difficult section where my progression is not immediately apparent even though I continue to work hard. This resulted in doing actions that could have had a serious negative impact but luckily they were only minor.

I was participating in my ACE (cancer exercise) program and I was feeling pretty great so I pushed myself hard.  Isn't that what we are supposed to do, push ourselves hard, going beyond our limits?  This is the fine line that we all walk because I ended up pushing too hard causing myself to get sick after class and then I was very sore for the next couple of days.  At first my ego went "you must have been a slacker because you should have been feeling this sore sooner" and then my brain was "are you really this stupid? Is this working out soreness or have I activated my GVHd and it's affecting my joints".  Luckily it was just working out soreness.

The next ACE class I was the only one home, so I had to push that ego aside and dial back my exercise, not to the extent that I was going through the motions but just to the point that I was pushing myself just to that fine line.

Each of us has a line that we push beyond to expand our training but when you are recovering from injuries that line is not only lower than previous but it is also thinner.  It doesn't take much to cross it and during your recovery if you are impatient, it can also set you back.  We must alway be working to find that line and just pushing ourselves slightly over it.  Even healthy, you need to make sure to push past your line but too far too fast or you could cause injuries.

It's like a yo-yo, push yourself and check to see how you feel.  Too much? Retreat a bit, push again. Not enough, push a little harder.  I have to constantly evaluate what my body CAN do, not what it did previously.  That is my currently line.  

The second part of this post is what to do when that line may not be moving even when you're training.  Do I blindly trust that my line will move if I continue to do the same actions?  My answer is "NO".  I learnt through the years of training that there are times when I need an outside opinion so I booked my 1-1 to talk to Sifu Brinker and discuss where I was at.  (I should have booked that sooner, my bad!)  The other was from my girlfriend that let me know during our walk that I was walking faster and farther than previously.  So although I was not seeing any change to my line, I was able to validate that my training is working even if I don't see it.  

I am not sure if I will ever get back to the line I previously had. As long as I keep pushing my current line, I will continue to improve and who knows where that will lead!

Minor setback

This blog is late but I have a few reasons.  It started Sunday night/Monday morning with my first trip to the ER since my transplant (almost 10 months ago) for a fever.  Good news is that is a pretty good streak, bad news is a cold is what caused this.  A minor cold caused a high fever and now the other symptoms are setting in but it always could be worse (it’s not Covid 😊).  Also my UAH ER trip was just over 3 hours and that included X-rays, IV antibiotics, blood draws, swabs, fluids, etc.  I really had great care (had to plug our great medical people out there).

Now it doesn’t take much to shake my emotional state and the last few days I was more tired than normal and that caused some anxiety and self pity.  I know it’s okay to feel these things and to acknowledge them but as someone who likes to look at the positive, it is really hard to blog during the down times.  This is not fair to me or to you.  I need to transparent with the good and the bad so I can be true to myself.  

Once I acknowledged my current feelings and lack of activity, I needed to make a plan to move forward smartly. I wanted to do my own exercise program today but Mike just raised his eyebrow as any exertion would cause coughing and a runny nose.  Sometimes it’s the outside advice that helps us make those smarter decisions.  So I made a small checklist of a few doable things and slowly worked on those.

Can this relate to Kung Fu and your journey? Absolutely.  There will always be something that will take that great streak you have (or a not so great one) and send it sideways.  It will be your attitude that makes you elevate and allow you to jump back in the wagon.   But you need to be recognize the negative feelings that occur when you fall off.  Recognize and accept them but do not let them rule you, get help if needed.  It’s the same concept when your mind wanders during meditation, recognize and accept it and move on.  As long as we are moving forward we are making progress.