Regaining my Balance

 This post will not be as positive as my other one today but both are valid since they are important in their own ways.

During our second degree class, I let the group know that I was struggling.  I have always admired those that have had the courage to show their problems, to be able to voice their fears along with their successes but yet I find it extremely difficult to voice my own struggles.  This month is filled with arbitrary deadlines both in Kung Fu, work and at home.  I have become panicked about Covid, knowing that I have a high chance of becoming sick but worse it could impact my surgery date.  All of these have simmered this month, slowly adding until it reached a tipping point.  The hard part is I did recognize I was struggling earlier and have been doing things to help (meditation, 1-1s, focused lists, etc) but it just was not enough.

There are so many thoughts circling in my mind: I have no right to complain, others have it worse.  Here I go whining again, people must be sick of hearing that.  It's all in my head, there is nothing to worry about.  How can I help others when I can't even help myself? I don't want to show any weakness.  I don't want to be a failure.  When I stop and evaluate, these thoughts are not the first things to let me know that I am struggling.  My first "canary" was my journaling.  It stopped!  When we try to find "root cause" at work, we ask "why" over and over until we reach the end.  So why did my journalling stop? Because I was not doing my foundational requirements.  Why? Because I changed my focus due to these arbitrary deadlines. Why? Because I need to prove myself.  Why?  Because I need to validate my spirit with my intent.  Why?  Because at work I am being told to do something that is unbalancing my spirit with my intent and I need to get that back in control. Why? Because when my spirit and intent are out of balance, there is a constant struggle while they are trying to resyc.  This is one root cause to my struggles but it is not the only one.  I know my mortality is also bugging me.  There is a friend issue also. All of these have stacked up and shifted my ability to maintain balance. 

Sifu Brinker said something today that really struck home.  Finding balance is like finding mastery.  You can come close to obtaining it but you never 100% get there.  I thought I had found balance and was relying on it to carry me instead of realizing that balance is always shifting, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly.  I need to identify these shifts, understand why they are occurring, and take steps to compensate instead of only reacting after I have been thrown face first into the sand and never realizing what hit me.  Luckily I have great teammates, great family, great instructors, great mentors that will always help me get back up and hold my hand as I work to get my balance again.  Hopefully next time I can catch myself before it gets this far but only next time will tell.