Weight struggles!

 This blog is about my weight struggles throughout these last 3 years.  Before I started my treatment program I was 145lbs, the lowest I’d been in years and that was due to my blackbelt grading year and the years leading to that.  At that time, I was in the best shape of my life although I knew I could still improve.  That was my mindset.

I really don’t know what my lowest weight was but there was a time that I was given nutrition by IV as I was failing to thrive.  I hadn’t eaten anything in many days and I couldn’t keep anything down.  That was probably my lowest and it wouldn’t surprise me if I hit 130 or even lower as I had also lost all muscle mass. 

The first year, all they want you to do is take in lots of protein and calories.  Added to that was a super strong anti rejection medication and 9 months later I was at the highest weight I had ever been at, including my pregnancies, 199 lbs.  That is over 70 pounds in 9 months.  My medical team would always say “we worry about weight after year 1, keep doing what you are doing” so I wasn’t really worried until I got off my immunosuppressants and the weight didn’t just drop off. That is so mean!  Mentally I struggled with my weight gain, decreased self image, hating to buy clothes, wanting to go on a quick fix diet but knowing it was wrong.  I had to ignore the scale and really focus on doing my exercises and to keep being as active as I could. Every couple of weeks I would check with the scale to make sure I was on the right path.

Yesterday I weighed 171 and I know 8 weeks ago I broke the 180s because I was so excited about that.  I am coming up to year 3 and still I am fighting with each pound.  I was going to wait until I broke the 170s to blog but I want to rejoice in the small win because I am almost there and I know that this blog will help me be mindful of the food that I eat and motivated to continue the exercises that I do.  This is still not a healthy weight but it is in the right direction with the right momentum and so I will take that win!

Today was the first day in 10 days that I finally feel better.  Numbers really suffered but got a few in.

NUMBERS

Situps (modified):  3180

Pushups (modified): 3430

KMs: 326.44

AOKs: 171

Da Mu Hsing: 59

Weapon Form: 38

Sparring: 43

Germain: 1227

Meditation: 285

Tai Chi: 363

Decluttering: 200

Yoga, Stretching, Exercise: 211

Days of Zen: 64

Finally Sick

 Well this baby immunity is finally being tested.  It came on strong Wednesday evening and I was in bed all day Thursday and Friday and most of Saturday.  Sore throat, fever, aches, and not able to keep anything down.  I thought I was feeling a bit better yesterday afternoon as I finally had a bit of food that stayed and my fever had broke but by supper my fever had again taken control.  At least the meds are now helping and I have the energy to blog but my balance is really off so I will do my beta forms later.  At least it’s not demo day 🤣.

My numbers are very poor this week but here they are:

NUMBERS

Situps (modified):  2955

Pushups (modified): 3155

KMs: 305.46

AOKs: 151

Da Mu Hsing: 57

Weapon Form: 31

Sparring: 41

Germain: 1096

Meditation: 285

Tai Chi: 343

Decluttering: 200

Yoga, Stretching, Exercise: 211

Days of Zen: 57

AOKs

This weekend a friend helped me.  It was something that she normally gets paid for but she would not accept anything from me.  I understand why she did that but it is hard sometimes to accept acts of kindness when their kindness meant so much.  I fought for a while to figure out how to show her and then it came to me. I planned some quick healthy meals for the week and bought the groceries.  I sent her the recipes and the groceries.  She sent me a video saying she would always work for veggies 🤣.  This way I accepted her act of kindness and yet was able to show her how much it meant.  

We talked about how lucky we were to meet each other and become friends.  Just like how I feel lucky to be studying a traditional Chinese martial art in Stony Plain with all of you. I like when choices bring you down paths that feel so right. 

NUMBERS

Situps (modified):  2830

Pushups (modified): 2980

KMs: 288.66

AOKs: 141

Da Mu Hsing: 55

Weapon Form: 28

Sparring: 47

Germain: 956

Meditation: 285

Tai Chi: 343

Decluttering: 200

Yoga, Stretching, Exercise: 211

Days of Zen: 50

Community Project:  still in the thought phase.

Too much, too fast!

I am at the dangerous point in my training where I want to progress to where I was and I am forgetting where I came from.  This has been very hard on me as my recovery is also being compounded by aging. I have been on track with my numbers but I have also come to the realization that this is not sustainable for me at this time.  

I ended the year of the dragon strong.  I found a rhythm and things that were working for me and so my ego decided I could jump back in with both feet and approach my IHC year as a totally fit younger person.   My ego likes to forget my journey and only look forward with an invincibility that my body cannot keep up with. 

Numbers have been my primary focus this year and in my mind I wanted to surpass all numbers, to be a great leader to the team, to feed my ego and let it run wild but somewhere I lost my way.  I still do my exercise program twice a week but lately I have been running to record my numbers (how many push up equivalents would that be?) instead of the quick stretching we do and get ready for the next exercise.  I am counting my reps and not focusing on firing the correct muscles.  I know better but somehow I slipped into a destructive mind thought.

Now here is the kicker, how do I progress at my own speed and not let mediocrity slip in.  How do I portray my numbers to the team and not show mediocrity?  How do I keep track of numbers but not let that control me? It is easy to say "I can't do this because...."  instead of "I can't do this yet..." and I think that is what makes the difference.  I also need to realize that my "yet" may never be the way it use to be and I need to be okay with that.  I need to keep poking things with a stick to make sure mediocrity doesn't become my norm BUT I need to be honest to myself with the results of the poke.  Record them and move on, continue to set my baseline and review to see how it is changing. 

The strength that I need to work on this year is internal as well as external.  I need to build a strong emotional foundation that will allow me to continue to build my physical body in a sustainable way.  To be aware of mediocrity and intervene.  I am so happy to catch this before it totally derailed my training and I wouldn't have caught it as quick without my 1-1s.  

BOOK YOUR 1-1s!  

Eye for Detail

Sometimes when I am doing forms I lose track of what my body is doing?  My go to was to videotape myself and then dissect the video.  What do my stances look like, how are my transitions?  When Sifu Brinker and I chatted about this, he reminded me we are doing 2000 year old forms.  Our past masters did not have videos so what did they do?  They had to listen more to their body for that reflection.  I’ve been focusing on harmonies, relearning, and building muscle but now I want to add more self awareness of how my body feels and then evaluate.  Is the feeling correct, should I be lower, am I raising my Center, where is the power coming from, am I grounded?  Once I get to the point it feels right, then I can video to validate or correct.

I made good progress on my numbers this week and kept up on reading blogs so I am pretty happy about that.  Still behind but I have a path to catch up. First is four weeks of hitting my numbers (to gain that consistency again after vacation) and then I will add 10% and reevaluate on my weekly blogs.  

NUMBERS

Situps (modified):  2130 

Pushups (modified): 2130

KMs: 230.32

AOKs: 109

Da Mu Hsing: 45

Weapon Form: 20

Sparring: 33

Germain: 775

Meditation: 150

Tai Chi: 273

Decluttering: 70

Yoga, Stretching, Exercise: 158

Days of Zen: 36

Community Project:  still in the thought phase. ↓↓↓  - no change

Start off strong and then vacation, yikes!!!!

The two weeks of vacation was absolutely lovely.  There were parts of it that I wish I could do over and over again but there was also the downfall of not getting in my numbers for Situps and Pushups or forms.  I was planning on doing lots of hand forms as I could not bring nunchucks on the plane but that did not happen.  I walked a lot but that does not shadow the other areas that I did not do so good at.  I started the year off so strong and two months in I am already struggling.

Now the good part is that I know that I am struggling and I know what I need to do to get back on track.  Today I started that process again, a fresh start.   I will be booking my 1-1s as well and back on the mats tomorrow.  These are the things that will help sustain the fresh start.  I knew I would slip off the wagon but I did not think it would be this quick.  Maybe that is okay as it also didn't take me long to get back on. That is the true lesson I believe, to be able to identify the problem and then do something.  At least I am also caught up reading everyone's blog, I will take the wins as well.  I added arrows to where I am standing to where I should be.

NUMBERS

Situps (modified):  1500 ↓↓↓

Pushups (modified): 1500 ↓↓↓

KMs: 203.14 ↑

AOKs: 89 ↓

Da Mu Hsing: 28 ↓↓↓

Weapon Form: 12 ↓↓↓ - no change

Sparring: 9 ↓↓↓ - no change

Germain: 618 ↑↑↑

Meditation: 120 ↓↓

Tai Chi: 210 ↓

Decluttering: ↓↓↓  - no change

Yoga, Stretching, Exercise: 80 ↓↓

Days of Zen: 30 On track

Community Project:  still in the thought phase. ↓↓↓  - no change

Tai Chi in water?

 Have you ever changed something so drastically that it threw you totally off?  I was doing Tai Chi in the pool today and that is exactly what happened.  I was up to my shoulders in the water and because I had limited weight on my feet, normal moves that I don’t think about on land became areas I had to stop and concentrate on for every foot pivot. At first I was frustrated and thought this was a dumb thing to try but then it made me think about moves in a different way.  I had to slow down with each move or I would throw myself off balance. I could also feel when both arms were not moving together or when I was moving too fast. Transferring my weight and keeping my core engaged was vital. It was a great practice for mindfulness.

Doing knee rotations during warm up is another area that I focus on mindfulness but I focus on my feet also.  If you watch, I go really slow because I am constantly asking where is my weight? Why? Can I spread my weight out over my foot?  Throughout all toes? Why is a toe lifted or scrunched down? As the knee rotates, the weight slowly shifts and the questions start all over again. 

Tai Chi has been my go to for mindfulness and grounding.  I can’t wait to see what a few more reps in the pool will bring. Shaking things up here and there might not be bad especially when you get to a point where you don’t think and stop being mindful.

Apologies to the team!

 I have to apologize to the team.  I have been doing well with my personal requirements BUT I have not been able to keep up with reading the teams blogs.  Reading the blogs are as important as submitting them and I have not made that a priority as I have missed many blogs.  How can I support team members without watching their entire journey?  I have been reading here and there and that only gives me a glimpse and for that I apologize and I will revisit my priorities.

Numbers updated on next blog!

Energy flow

Only lately have I began to feel the flow of energy.  While I was doing walking meditation today, I stopped and felt the plants around me by Placing my hand on their bark or holding their leaves or flowers.  There were some plants that I felt stronger and vibrant.  Others were harder to feel as they were deeper and slower.  This is a first for me and when I was explaining to my mom, she said she knew exactly what I meant.  She feels things like that also but why is this the first I’ve heard about it?  These are not things normally heard in our everyday conversations but I wonder if we would be more sensitive to everything around us if we were all exposed at an early age?  Maybe George Lucas had someone teach him about energy flow - aka the force.  🤷‍♀️

NUMBERS

Situps (modified):  1295

Pushups (modified): 1295

KMs: 99.97

AOKs: 67

Da Mu Hsing: 17

Weapon Form: 12

Sparring: 9

Germain: 364

Meditation: 95

Tai Chi: 160

Decluttering: 0

Yoga, Stretching, Exercise: 68

Days of Zen: 16

Community Project:  still in the thought phase.

You think you know but then…

 I love Tai Chi, and I have been doing it for many years.  It has kept me grounded and helped me recover strength.  It has taught me to feel the transfer of weight between moves.  Recently I have started to feel energy flow in longer sections.  I thought I knew Tai Chi well, but then last class I realized I reached the point where I felt like I knew nothing.

If I started to focus on releasing power, I would extend past my reach and throw off my centering.  If I focused on making sure my foot position was correct, I would lose flow. If I focused on flow, I would lose all feeling of releasing power at the end of each move.  As I fixed one thing, 3 things broke. It was like a huge flood gate opened and I was so overwhelmed by how many things I needed to bring together.  So I stopped, took a few deep cleansing breaths and cleared my mind.  It was then that I was excited by what was happening.  

I am excited that I can feel multiple things even if I can’t correct them all yet.  I’m excited that I can recognize being overwhelmed and stop to reset.  I am excited on how much I need to learn yet.  Just when I thought I knew Tai Chi, I’m excited to realize how little I know. 

See you on the mats!

NUMBERS

Situps (modified):  920

Pushups (modified): 920

KMs: 60.41

AOKs: 40

Da Mu Hsing: 5

Weapon Form: 12

Sparring: 6 

Germain: 227

Meditation: 10

Tai Chi: 110

Decluttering: 0

Yoga, Stretching, Exercise: 68

Days of Zen: 9

Community Project:  Just in the thought phase.

Beginning of the Snake!

What a week and what a wrap up to the year!  I finally was able to kneel down to bow into class.  I helped with the kids classes on Tuesday and Thursdays.  Those kids are amazing to watch.  Thursday, I did my first bowing in at the front of the class.  It was such a great feeling!

The week and the year wrapped up with an excellent banquet and demo.  Witnessing Mike and Simon being promoted as well as visiting with friends and family had me smiling all night.  Then our night wrapped up with taking the banquet leftovers to a church for the unhoused of Spruce Grove.  My work colleague Jaime was volunteering that night so she helped with the drop off.  As we arrived, Jaime led me to the kitchen, past security and through a number of people.  When I left, I spoke to some of them, telling them to stay warm and safe. They responded with thank yous and wishing me a safe trip home.  It was humbling being with people who really know the meaning of struggles and yet they were kind and willing to talk to me.

I thought that this would make me even happier but being there made me realize this was a VERY small contribution. It has made me wonder what I could be doing to contribute more.  Not the superficial help that strokes the ego but the help that can make a deep impact.  One of my personal requirements is leading a community project, and this is the motivation to make me really think what this year's project should be.  I can't wait to see what develops.

Although the Year of the Dragon brought many challenging times, I am grateful for it because it is allowing the Year of the Snake to start strong.  

See you on the mats!

NUMBERS

Situps (modified):  420

Pushups (modified): 420

KMs: 28.0

AOKs: 20

Da Mu Hsing: 4 

Weapon Form: 5

Sparring: 4

Germain: 67

Meditation: 5

Tai Chi: 60

Decluttering: 0

Yoga, Stretching, Exercise: 28

Days of Zen: 2

Community Project:  Just in the thought phase.

Loss of Past Knowledge Update

I missed posting last week as Sunday was a tough day.  Both my Grandma and my best friend's mom passed the same day, January 19th.  Although I grieve for the loss, I am at peace that neither is suffering.  Both were surrounded by loved ones.  Although both were older, it still brings home the importance of mending relationships and ensuring you connect with others that are important to you. You never know how much time you have. 

Rest in peace Grandma and Marilyn and thank you for the memories!

Humbling Experiences

Thursday I had an opportunity to help teach the children's classes.  I forgot how much I learn when helping out with these classes and how humbling they can be. 

I was asked to assist a student with stick I and I was confident I could help so I answered "no problem".  That confidence was quickly checked when I saw him staring at my hand position on the first move and him trying to switch his hand position.  I looked down and realized I had switched my grip on my right hand.   I apologized to him and went over the move to refresh my memory and then started showing him again.  I knew the moves but teaching them was so different.  

This happened while teaching one student and luckily I was able to notice his actions and realize I was the one that had caused the uncertainty.  If I had taught a large group, I could have easily caused confusion and never realized it and that is a very humbling fact. I can't just use muscle memory.  I need to be confident but own a mistake if I make it.  Also know that I am being watched on every move I make so a wrong grip or a poor stance is being watched and then emulated by others.  

I could take this humbling experience two ways.  I could be scared and not be willing to try to teach something until I know everything solid or I continue to teach and make sure that I am very aware of what I am doing and what I am teaching.  I pick the latter because I learnt more from 10 minutes with that student then working by myself for an hour.

See you on the mats!

Numbers

Pushups (equivalent) - 10,590

Sit-ups (equivalent) - 4,830

Kilometers - 1607.13

Weapons form - 315

Hand form - 375

Sparring - 95

AOK - 2305

Piano - 1/50

Tai Chi - 53.5/50

Yoga - 49/50

Meditation - 27/50

Loss of past knowledge

As a western civilization, I do not think we fully embrace the loss of knowledge from our elders.  In Kung Fu we honour past masters but what does that truly mean.  Is it just the Kung Fu knowledge that we gain knowing it comes from them?  A technique, a form, a tradition?  Luckily we are a traditional school so there is a lot of tradition and techniques passed down but there is a lot that is lost with each generation.

My grandma will not be with me much longer nor my best friend’s mom whom I am also very close to.  Just this Christmas she wanted to teach me how to make her bread and already it’s too late to get the full knowledge from her. 

We know that we will lose knowledge as our instructors and family age but we always think we have more time with them than we have.  I can tell you, things change very quickly and watching that knowledge slip away brings tears to my eyes. I only know that I have lost learning to bake her bread but there are so many other things I have lost that I don’t even realize.  This is from someone embedded in my life, and I see how it compounds through generations. 

It is a reminder of the consequences of putting something off and what I need to prioritize in my life.

The Power of Forms

There is a lot going on in Da Mu Hsing 1 that allows for feeling and reflection.  During the kick sequence of roundhouse/spinning back kick, I was feeling my power coming from my lower back and I was sure this wasn't right.  Sifu Brinker helped me break down the spinning back kick so I could try to feel the engagement and power within the hip.  So I went back to the roundhouse, spin, sideheel and within that sideheel I could feel the engagement in the hip instead of my back.

Breaking apart a form helps to fix the big disconnect but now I need to tie it all back together so the pieces that I break apart not only flow together but they support each other as well.  My normal process is to identify the problem area, fix it and then expand in either direction to bring it together but in some cases that does not support the technique like this spinning back kick.  

When I add the spin, the engagement of my hip must come sooner but to get that I need to feel stable in that spin.  So for this fix, I need to work on two areas and bring them together.  I need to get that spin and feel the loading of my hip and bring it together with actually throwing the kick, still keeping the hip engaged.  I would like to blame it on my decreased balance since my transplant, but that is not the truth.  As I pick apart this kick, I have realized that I have never had a good "feel" for the spinning back kick.  It's just now I can't hide it like I could before and this is something that I am rejoicing.  Now I get to work on something that has always been broken and it became apparent in my form.  I love the power of forms!

Numbers

Pushups (equivalent) - 10,180

Sit-ups (equivalent) - 4,730

Kilometers - 1535.53

Weapons form - 289

Hand form - 353

Sparring - 83

AOK - 2205

Piano - 1/50

Tai Chi - 51.1/50

Yoga - 47/50

Meditation - 25/50