Finally!

Yesterday was my first in person class in almost 2 years and it was amazing!  It was nice being there and feeding off of everyones energy.  

I worked on a couple of forms.  I was surprised how much I remembered but also how much I forgot.  When I let muscle memory lead me, I could get through large sections but as soon as I tried to “think” about it, I would loose everything.  It reminded me that although I have chemo brain holes, the drugs can’t take away my foundation.  

This week I was finally weaned off of my prednisone (hoping it will stay that way).  The side effects is muscle aches and pains, joint swelling and fatigue but the best thing I can do is exercise.  Being in person makes exercising so much easier.  Can’t wait to continue to increase my in person presence (and down to one immunosuppressant 🎉).

See you on the mats!

My Ego

 I always thought I didn’t have an ego but when I really start evaluating myself, I had a bigger ego than I cared to admit.   This year stripped my ego bare and laid it out. Feelings about where I am and where I could be only if. ..

Only if I didn’t get sick

Only if I didn’t have complications 

Only if I was able to attend classes in person

Only if I was more present 

Only if I was more consistent 

Only if I recorded my numbers better

Only if I blogged more

My ego is creating doubt about joining next years IHC.  

What have I contributed to the team this year?  How could I regress so far?  My muscles have seized and my mind has gaps.  My body aches and my my knees are once again screaming at me.  I am feeling VERY old.

I know movement will help with the muscles, both strength and flexibility.  I know repetitions will help with the brain gaps.I say that I am okay with where I am but that is not true.  The “only if” questions is my ego is stopping me from accepting my current reality. I cannot just tell my ego to STOP IT!  My first step is to acknowledge it and then my ego needs to be trained, just as my body and brain does. Only then will I be successful.  This is why I will be joining IHC again.  It is my guidebook to training my ego, my brain, and my body.  One step at a time.

Just slow

A couple of weeks ago, I went to the kwoon with Sihing S Kohut before classes started to do a couple of reps of a form.  I was able to do 2 reps of 18 temple but really felt it in my joints and my balance seemed to be worse, not better.  Then to make matters worse, when I tried to help Sihing with Tai Chi and I could remember some moves and then I would draw blanks.  It was very frustrating as I’ve been doing this for years!  I know I have cognitive impairments from my treatments but it has not hit home so hard as that day.   (I knew all the parts of 18 temple motions so I’ll take that as a win.) 

I am hoping to start back on the mats in October and I think I will focus on the adult beginner class so I can relearn with them.  I just need to put my ego away and be okay with where I am at today.

Update from my last blog, I was able to get a number of days of meditation in and my sleep has definitely improved but it is not a habit yet.  Still working on that.

Spiritual and Heart Health

 It’s been a few weeks since I posted.  Time has sure flown.  The one thing that has really been bothering me these last few months is sleep.  I can fall asleep fine but in the middle of the night I will then be up for hours.  They tell me that is a side effect of the steroids I’m still on but I know it’s more.  Although my physical strength continues to grow, I have neglected my spiritual side and it’s showing.  I’ve missed Tai Chi classes and I haven’t been meditating.  I never realized how much these impact me physically because when I’m tired, my body does not want to do things.  It becomes a viscous cycle and I do not want to depend on sleep meds.  That being said, although I recognize what I need to do, I still have not corrected it. It’s pretty bad that I did more meditation in the hospital than I do now. I just need to start my day off with some meditation so tomorrow morning that is what I will do (please join me if you wish).

On a different note, I had my stress test this week.  Although I wasn’t on the treadmill for too long, I did make it to the third speed and that was the fastest I’ve walked since my treatments and I didn’t trip or stumble!  My happiest moment was when they they told me everything looked good with that and with my echo.  My new abnormality is nothing to worry about.  My second was when they were surprised that my heart rate returned to normal so quickly.  At least that training is still working 😅.  Now I can start increasing my cardio exercise because honestly, I was a little afraid before I knew my results even though the cardiologist told me not to worry.

Both spiritual health and heart health are the silent but very important parts of training in Kung Fu. These areas are harder to log progression but not impossible.  I need to pay close attention to my body and know it will take weeks or longer for small improvements but it’s worth it!

Relationships

 We tend to gravitate to like minded people and these people will support you as you support them.  Over the years and with different life circumstances, you will expand and change these relationships.  With all relationships it takes effort and you get out what you put in.  This is part of engagement that Sifu Brinker always talks about.  

As Mike and I are busy with renos needed to list our house, I have realized I’ve neglected my relationships.  My Kung Fu, my cancer group, my friends who have been with me through all of this.  So when I am planning my day, I need to also plan quick checkins.  These relationships are not fragile that they will break with some neglect but leave it long enough and eventually everything will deteriorate. I want to maintain a healthy relationship instead of needing to repair it at a later date.

On a side note, I received my second set of baby immunizations today!  Slowly building that immunity!  

Consequences

With any decision comes consequences, good or bad or just a different path.  

I have been on long term steroids since my transplant and although these were required, they have consequences.  My bone density has come back with moderate risk of fractures so now I will start taking a bone building medication. They also want me to count my elemental calcium intake (without increasing my current supplement). 

So how does this relate to Kung Fu?  Nutrition is a huge part of our training but if you’re not logging it then it’s similar to not recording your numbers. I could just guess but that does not benefit me.  Numbers are everything!  Embrace the numbers instead of just recording and you can then see trends, true values and results.

Training on my own

 My third session of cancer exercise class is almost complete.  That means I have been doing them for 30 weeks and the change has been amazing.  I can feel my muscles again, especially in my legs and glutes.  My knees have not been hurting at all.  I think that since I needed to rebuild everything from the ground up, I had no other muscles compensating.  Throughout my exercises, I focus on intent.  What is the muscle I am trying to work on?  If I can’t feel it or activate it, I am asking why.  Do I have my core engaged? Am I doing the motion correctly?  Am I activating other compensating muscles.  This journey has really allowed me to focus on feeling movement, feeling proper muscles firing, stretching and breathing. Just feeling!

I am scared because classes are over for the summer.  Like all training, if I don’t use it, I will lose the ground I gained so now begins the hard part.  Training again on my own.  I know I can do it, I was doing it before but that was 15 months ago.  The difference now is I am not afraid of failure, I am afraid of not even trying so as long I keep that in front of me, I will continue to progress.